Personal Growth

The Obstacle of ‘All or Nothing’ Thinking

| Brian E. Dick, MA, MBA, LPC

A part of the human condition is that we are all mistake capable. No one is really perfect, although it is healthy to strive for the best, and improve our results. How we go about that is often driven by the way we look at problems, and how we view “things” and our “relationships”

20121011-132650.jpg

The biggest obstacle often is ourselves. Humans have a tendency of seeking that things will always work out smoothly, and naturally, and we attempt to avoid pain and discomfort. That is how we’re wired. A problem arises when we are attempting to solve problems. Sometimes we develop an “either-or” mentality and miss the larger picture. We develop all or nothing thinking, there is no middle ground.

“A project team is trying to meet a deadline. Time is critical, and the deadline is looming. The senior manager seeks that the team approach the problem in a particular way, but gives the team little authority to look at alternatives to solving the problem. The problem solution has already been given, but the ‘how’ to do it, has not been determined. It would be easy for the team to adopt one polarized approach to meet the expectation. In their haste, they get a result, but failed to look at alternatives. The senior manager has scripted the team to limited options, and an all or nothing attitude develops, and key alternatives that might bring better results are missed.”

Sometimes the pursuit for the solution, and the will to demand a solution obscures one’s ability to consider options, a lot of them. When we look at things or relationships in dichotomous categories we basically shove everything else off to the side. We miss important options, ideas, and most of all straight jacket ourselves or team.

Individuals with life problems adopt the same “all or nothing” filter – which in the end keeps them from looking at all aspects that could bring potential solutions. It’s global thinking, but the global part means that everything is considered in the same way. Often times it is better to think in terms of possibilities rather than hard core givens.

Ways of avoiding the “all or nothing” mindset:
1. Frame problems as likely having many “approximate” not perfect alternatives.
2. Learn to evaluate all your alternatives, finding evidence for and against each one.
3. Understand that the world isn’t always the same.
4. Performance is about progress and moving forward, not exact perfection.

All or nothing thinking is an obstacle, but it is also very changeable. As long as you’re willing to consider that things in the world are not always perfect, you can consider that there are likely many explanations to problems you face on an individual, team or organizational level.

Time Wasting

| Brian E. Dick, MA, MBA, LPC

This would appear to be a straight forward title, and obvious problem, hardly worthy of a blog post. It would seem that way, but no matter how much I read or see about time management, a subtle problem remains for many an ongoing issue, due to external and internal experiences

20121008-143424.jpg

Key Time Wasters
External time wasting relates to the situations and experiences we encounter that we did not directly create, but invariably impact us, because they are demanding our time, interrupt or disrupt. There are several reasons for this, but the key items tend to be:
1. Over-extending ourselves for situations that do not match directly with key objectives.
2. Not saying “no” (double negative intended) to unimportant things.
3. Failing to be assertive with others, and therefore letting the unimportant intrude on the important.

Internal time wasters include:
1. Not having enough personal discipline to do the things that are best.
2. Choosing things that are not substantive to devote ourselves.
3. Spending inordinate amounts of time obsessing over needless details that add no value.
4. Not having the confidence to initiate our own course. Letting other things dictate this.

As you can see, the time wasting concept is a deeper issue, and sequential in nature. It is not just a matter of choosing unproductive things in our lives, or being lazy. Many very capable people, who have a capacity and willingness for good action, often fall into traps where they find themselves experiencing lost time. Just because you relax, does not mean that is wasting time. The point is whether the activity is serving a higher purpose, improving capacity, outcomes, or your personal guiding line. You have to decide this, based upon important values, ideals, and goals. Time wasting can be minimized, if we decide to take action.

Letting Go – Reducing the Unnecessary in your life

Image | | Brian E. Dick, MA, MBA, LPC

20121002-114540.jpg.

A common problem that I often encounter in the behavioral health clinic these days is the difficulty that others have to let go or move beyond emotional blockages to growth. Typically, these are a root cause of the anxiety, stress overload, and depression that generally presents as the problem. Non-clinical populations also exhibit the common problem of letting go, and may never manifest all the symptoms that lead to presentation for treatment. It appears that cultural conditioning, the social mirror, and the myriad of expectations both internal and external contribute to the problem.

Today, there are many, many influences in our lives. Some of them are simply taking up emotional and mental space, and thus need to be cleared, so we can focus on the most important things in our lives.

In the business and organizational world, the problem of letting go, is pervasive. In our driven world steep in high expectations, and underlying demands – both internal to the person and from others, it is sometimes a hidden problem that keeps us hostage to the things that we can simply let go of.

The problem is widespread, but like a computer CPU, we need a little soft reset, and that requires us to delete a few “unnecessary files” in our brains, thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. The work required on a personal level goes well beyond the suggestions here. There is often a journey required to let go of unnecessary issues, feelings, thoughts or behaviors. The items below are a sampling of things that may be key things to “let go”:

1. Personal slights
2. Old mistakes, guilt, shame
3. Unmet expectations
4. Current mistakes (what can we learn from them?)
5. Difficult personalities
6. Relationships – both personal and professional that are dragging us down
7. Excessive spending, poor diet, self-sabotaging habits
8. The past – which does not add positive memories

These of course, are not exhaustive. But you get the point. The concept to remember is that: The items above are preventing positive movement ahead. They are holding us hostage emotionally, behavioral, or through our thinking patterns. They are dulling our senses.

    Beginning steps to letting go of the unnecessary can include the following:

1. Identify what needs to be let go – Is it a thought, behavior, or a change in your job?

2. Ask yourself: What impact on my life will this make? Why is it important to let go?

3. Identify your support system. Create an accountability system that can support you through the changes that will occur once something is changed. More difficult things to let go – require more support. Supports can be personal and professional. Perhaps consulting with a trusted colleague.

4. Stressors, personal slights, negative cognitions, require more fortitude. It may require us to stop our negative thoughts, change a self-sabotaging behavior, or simply apologize to someone and rebuild a relationship.

Finally, consider the enormous payoff you will feel and experience when you let go of unnecessary things and situations in your life that weigh you down. Sometimes thoughts about the prospective payoff can be very motivating to make the change. Having deeper values and mission about the why, will help drive you toward how and what of any change you make.

20121002-122942.jpg

Do You Live Your Existence in the Red?

| Brian E. Dick, MA, MBA, LPC

The financial “bottom line” is often a marker for mere survival, or measuring success in a business. Doing the right kinds of things help a business prosper, and likewise making bad decisions or not investing can lead to a company’s financial position to “be in the red”. In other words, you’re running your company with a deficit. This can translate to both emotional, physical or financial deficits.

Our lives and the way we run them, can be quite similar. We can either focus on significant things, and build equity, or we can be held hostage to insignificant things and merely exist, or run our lives “in the red.”

How does one really measure what is significant vs. what is less than significant? These days the importance of “demands” has slowly and intrusively taken on more significant place in people’s lives. Often measuring what is seemingly important is more about survival and distraction than about truly engaging the important.

Maintaining an awareness of these issues has become a chore – because we’re too busy meeting someone else’s expectations, and create so little time and value for our own. It’s not really about being selfish, but rather having quality of life. The parable of the slow boiling frog has become a common ailment, and seeking quick rescue is the way that others react.

How many of us question what we do on a daily basis? Does it provide joy? Are we even satisfying ourselves, or are we chasing a never ending set of demands that squelch out the significance from our lives. The following exercise may be important for you to try:

1.) Name the significant things you have done this week. Why were they important?

2.) Identify the insignificant things you felt drawn into this week. Did they add or subtract? Do you live your existence in the red, or do you have reserves?

3.) Did you feel too tired this week? Why? Was it for someone else’s purpose, or did fatigue have real meaning behind it?

4.) What personal or artificial barriers keep you living your live in “the red”?

From these questions, you should be able to gain insights into your actions, intentions and expectations. Determine whether it’s time to move your existence out of the red.

20120802-004422.jpg

Learning to Decipher the Big Things from the Little Things (in life)

| Brian E. Dick, MA, MBA, LPC

In the course of the day the average person is bombarded with several dilemmas big and small. The problem of stress is an ever present danger when we fail to properly separate the “Big vs. Small Things” in our lives.

For some, learning to decipher what is insignificant and what is really important requires real skill. The same goes for leading teams, organizations, families, and our personal responsibilities. If we have a frail sense of who we are it is often difficult to decide what we should keep, and what we should let go.

In the end, we have to learn to accept ourselves so that we can put in proper perspective what we should be concerned with, and what small annoyances in life we just need to let slide by.

Unhealthy stress (most stress is unhealthy!) is often a product of paying attention to things that are incongruent with who we are – almost to the point that effectiveness suffers so greatly.

Deciphering what the (important) things are in our lives, requires the following questions:
1. How much, and to what extent does it contribute to our lives, the common good, our families or our reputations?

2. Is IT something that belongs to someone else?

3. Did we create the issue, or are we just the person in the middle?

4. What purpose does the problem have?

Hopefully the answers you receive, provide the right guidance to your heart. Learning to separate the big things from the really insignificant can be a great skill, and one that will help you fulfill your tasks wisely. It is also a great way to inoculate yourself from the daily stressors that almost everyone faces on a daily basis.

20120712-215808.jpg

Keeping It Real

| Brian E. Dick, MA, MBA, LPC

There is a pervasive problem in our society: A reluctance to keep it real. Denial, minimizing, fudging, or simply being engaged in presentation over substance are common methods to influence.

Those that engage in moving away from being real often do so for the following reasons:

1. A loss of personal control. Credibility is important, but those that shade reality about themselves often feel that something is slipping away from them.

2. Self-denial. It’s simply too painful to admit a mistake. The ego and sense of self are too sensitive.

3. Not knowing what you don’t know. Ignorance is a self protective and welcome state. Think about how many of us deny or block off the “knowing” associated with right eating, and lifestyle choices.

4. Our negative obsessions actually have control of us. In a sense there is a part of us “that does know” we are off the mark. The gravity pull of turning that situation around is perceived as too hard.

The main problem for living in fantasy, is that it often requires more energy to maintain the presentation, than to actually change it. Ultimately our facades will be seen through, and we will be at a crossroads. Achieving realness means a willingness to be real. Stop covering. Stop creating images that are not real. Begin the process of exploring who you really are.

20120607-233907.jpg

Perseverance Is Just A Step Away

| Brian E. Dick, MA, MBA, LPC

In my counseling practice, a daily task is the process of change. Individuals seek out professional counseling and therapy because they perceive that the problems they face are insurmountable. Making change requires perseverance, and this is often difficult to see when change is so often difficult to see.

Another difficult barrier for many is understanding the change has to be made by them, and not someone doing something to them. It also requires a commitment to do something.

Perseverance requires one to look at the problem one step at a time. Change is not an instant process. It requires taking the first step, then another, and another. Just taking that step “ahead” is often enough to motivate and encourage further movement for change.

The concept is simple: We manage adversity by implementing small changes over time, on a consistent basis. There are no shortcuts.

20120514-223650.jpg

Seek Clarity

| Brian E. Dick, MA, MBA, LPC

Today’s world is saturated with information, knowledge and multiple demands. It is certainly popular to be the one that can engage multiple priorities. The reality is many of us live in a world of overload. It’s not necessarily a nice place.

How do you seek clarity amongst the interference? The following are definitive ways to gain clarity in your “world of overload”:

1. Know yourself. Have a clear idea of what you are good at, and what contribution you want to make.

2. If you are not sure about who you are, do deep thinking about your vision for yourself, and what good things you stand for. Use this as the template for which everything else is decided.

3. Avoid being a demanding, “help-rejecting-complainer.”. Take your lumps, move forward. Prepare to drop some balls out of the air. Be with other people, and let yourself be influenced.

4. Connect with those that inspire you. Let that guide your daily reflections.

5. Just be. Life is not perfect, and neither are you.

6. Find the right place to reflect. Exercise, nature walks, reading good literature, or reading your favorite blogs…stay productive, build a reservoir of clarity.

20120511-235608.jpg

Expectations = Understanding

| Brian E. Dick, MA, MBA, LPC

One of the biggest problems in human interaction is improperly communicated expectations. As a manager, leader, parent or friend, you’ll likely be confronted with situations where clear communication is required.

Breakdowns in communication is often equal to unclear communication. Here are the key sources of failed expectations:

1. Information communicated does not always equal information understood

2. Your perceptions about what is being said is based on your own home movies, and not the meaning of the other person.

3. Personal distraction, disruptions, interruptions.

4. The receiver of the “expectation” is self-absorbed, or simply has a different agenda.

5. The person receiving is not receiving, just listening to respond.

Any of these situations will lead to potentially failed expectations – in other words:

Expectation success – must meet (or =) Expectation understanding.

In our management teams, groups, family units, or organizations, how many of us actually try to ensure we have “Expectation Understanding?”

20120503-233406.jpg